Relationship is emotions

Men have Different Needs Than Women

Marriage is a relationship based on needs, emotional feelings and not just social requirement. It has the power to enhance the capabilities of each other or in certain cases if mishandled, it can even destroy each other.

It is essential to reach a certain maturity level before getting into matrimonial relationship.

It requires certain understanding of each others needs and emotional feelings and make room for them.

When needs are not fulfilled, it leads to dissatisfaction and affects us emotionally. It is good to let out our pent up emotions instead of accumulating it to a point that it explodes and causes traumatic situation.

There are ups and downs in any family and in our life. It is how we handle them makes the difference. The important factor is our intentions.

There are two most essential things in marriage relationship are

1. Feelings for each other.

2. Communication

It is the feelings for each other that makes us face most of the challenges, give up certain rigidity to accommodate the needs of the partner, go out of the way to fulfill normal wishes of the partner.

Communication is essential to understand each other, their needs and feelings. Even emotional out bursts, anger etc are a form of communication though not healthy communication.

Non communication, miscommunication, hurting communication and indifferent attitude are some of the hurdles in marriage relationships.

Arranged marriages start of with social requirements and, along the way understanding each others needs and fulfilling them helps develop emotional feelings for each other. The faster we make efforts to understand each others needs and develop emotional attachment, the happier the relationship will be.

It is an established fact that the needs of women are little different then that of a man. Women is more sensitive in nature and looks for security. A man on the other hand attaches more importance to his physical and emotional needs and is more egoistic.

A little care should be taken in verbal communication. Any normal relationships are bound to face some hurting moments. It is advisable to avoid hurting words but to suppress your emotions is also harmful. With practice we can learn taming of emotions.

If we can learn to pacify each other after the hurting moments using simple words like "sorry", "I appreciate what you have done for me", "I love you" etc, it helps in diffusing the hard feelings. Men being more egoistic, this initiative will generally have to come from women. It can make the most egoistic people also melt fast.

A man generally seeks physical relationship to release his tensions. A woman should help her husband release his tensions. She should use her charm and make her husband feel wanted.

Ultimately it is the emotional feelings which counts and makes us take actions and decisions to accommodate the other partner and his incompatibility. If the emotional attachment is lacking, the marriage will be unhappy and sooner or later will result into traumatic situations.

Brain Bugs And Debugging

The brain is one amazing organ which works like a machine.
But as a machine, the brain is actually pretty simple.
Basically, it just records and plays back.
You put information in. It plays it back. You put information in. It plays it back.
It’s simple.
And, like a computer, it is very easily programmed.

Since the day you were born, you’ve had all sorts of "programming" entering your brain. I'm talking about information and commands, either coming from yourself, or from the outside world (through your five senses).

All our thinking, our actions and decisions are as a result of this "programming" entering our brain. Our brain is influenced depending on how we process the information. Sometimes these "programming" entering our brain "BUGS" our brain which affects our thinking, actions and decisions.

A disturbed brain (Bugged) can develop negative emotions leading to anger, pity, hatred, animosity, revenge, unhappiness, hurting,  and our actions and behavior are biased with our emotions and thinking.

It is necessary to "DEBUG" our brain. 

How do we do that? 

The following methods have helped many people

1. Yoga

2. Meditation

3. Reading "Positive Thinking" books or listening to Motvational talks

4. Spiritualism

5. Positive Self Talk

Some people take the more curiosity path of

1.  Hypnotherapy

2. Past life regression

3. Joining groups practicing certain philosophies

The aim of "Debugging" our mind is to make our brain processor function "Normally" so that we can lead a normal happy life by taking logical actions and decisions.

We have to create a balance of everything but when we become obsessed with any of the above paths, we have actually planted another "Bug" in the effort of "Debugging".

Planting another bug is more visible in the curiosity path and especially in "Joining groups practicing certain philosophies".

While most people find a solace in the above paths, some become obsessed. There is a very thin line between passion and obsession.

Emotional Needs

So often we hear folks say that their spouse is not fulfilling their emotional needs. When we ask what needs are not being fulfilled, people mention things that are not emotional needs but what we consider to be wants and desires. You need to take responsibility for filling your own needs.

Four Basic Emotional Needs

• The need to love and be loved.
• The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
• The need to have a positive self image.
• The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control.

Some may add the need for security to this list of emotional needs. We believe that people who love and are loved, who have a sense of belonging and can see purpose to their lives, who believe in themselves, and who have a sense of control over their own lives are secure individuals.

Meeting Your Emotional Needs

Expecting your spouse to fill your emotional needs is not only unfair, it is unreasonable. You should take responsibility for filling your emotional needs yourself.
"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure."

Source: Dennis Sugrue, psychologist, Medicinenet.com

Do we really want our marriage to be a success?

There are numerous cases where marriage relationships get effected by the behavior of either or both the spouse.

It starts of with simple behavioral characteristics of an individual's personality.
Some of them particular to marriage relationships are

1. Attitude
   
2. Domination
3. Jealousy
4. Possessiveness
   
5. Obsession
6. Different priorities
7. Desires
8. Unfulfilled needs

Most of the problems can be solved with a healthy communication.
The most important questions we have to ask ourselves are

1. Do we really want our marriage to be a success?
2. What are the root causes which are giving rise to the problems?
3. What steps can be taken to resolve them?
4. Where and to what extent are we willing to change ourselves?

Most problems start of with very minor behavior irritants and grows very big due to non addressing the issues in time.

We wait too long to give the feedback where the behavior has become so atrocious that making a change now would be a monumental task. We come to a point where we start hating the person. This would not be so, if we had the courage and the foresight to correct them when it all started. Our apathy and negligence has fed the small irritant to turn it into a big monster.

Save Marriages

Identifying Problems In Marriage Is The Biggest Challenge

How does a good doctor cure illness?
First a good doctor diagnoses the illness.
Next he finds out what has caused it.
Then he decides what the cure is.
Finally he prescribes the medicine or gives the treatment that will make the patient well again.

An ordinary doctor uses hit and trial methods.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Both spouses should be like a good doctor.
Communication helps in diagnosing illness or the problems.
Further communication helps in finding what caused the problem.
Your actions towards the right direction to remove the problems works as the prescribed medicine.

In any relationships, problems will always occur.
It is like an illness which needs cure and some illness needs immediate attention.
Any hit and trial method will complicate the illness or the problems.

Some illness are diagnosed at a very late stage and the best doctor also raises his hands.
It may happen due to ignorance, non communication of discomfort, attitude and many other factors.

Chronic illness causes sufferings not just for the ailing person but for everyone else close to him.

A good doctor goes through a systematic study program deliberately created where he is given the knowledge of all kinds of known illness, their symptoms, what causes these illness, diagnostic techniques and the cure.

Unfortunately no such study program is easily available relating to relationship problems.
Marriage counselors are there but not much faith is shown in them by most of married people.

We all are lucky that a good amount of information is available through internet.
However we should be deliberate in finding good information and assimilating it wisely.

The most common Problems in Marriage are

• Communication
• Unresolved baggage
• Unfulfilled expectations
• Sex and intimacy
• Resentments
• Infidelity
• Financial Problems
• Intellectuals Problems

These links have good information. Save a marriage is a site I will recommend.

Many times we do not want to identify problems until it gets out of proportion.
One problem leads to another which leads to another.

The Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings but commitment.

Every marriage faces problems

Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

Marriage is a commitment to give the highest priority to this relationship once you have established that there are no evil intentions in either of the spouse.

Be Careful Who You Are Listening To.....

Thoughts become words
Words become actions
Actions become habits
Habits become character
Character becomes your destiny

Our thoughts are the manifestation of ...

1. What we see
2. What we hear and
3. What we read.

Be careful who you are listening to.. what you are reading or seeing.
Even a very intelligent persons thinking gets affected by it.

A spiritual teacher claiming to have super natural powers predicted a boom in the economy one year back.

An unmarried person turns into a spiritual teacher and professes. "The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds." Even an intelligent person misinterpreting can lead to disastrous outcome.

A divorced man even if he is very closely related, can only lead you to getting divorce and not towards improving relationships. Subconsciously he is justifying his own actions.

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

Kahlil Gibran 

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

William James 

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”
Buddha teachings.

There is no relationship which does not encounter challenges and there are no challenges which can not be overcome.
Many times we overlook the challenges, the causes leading to those challenges and our failure to take corrective actions till the problems grow very big.
Some corrective actions are individual actions but some require participation from both partners.

Understanding the root cause of the problem and willingness to resolve the problems by both the partners is essential for a healthy relationship.


HELP SAVE MARRIAGES