Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Emotional Needs

So often we hear folks say that their spouse is not fulfilling their emotional needs. When we ask what needs are not being fulfilled, people mention things that are not emotional needs but what we consider to be wants and desires. You need to take responsibility for filling your own needs.

Four Basic Emotional Needs

  • The need to love and be loved.
  • The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
  • The need to have a positive self image.
  • The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control.
Some may add the need for security to this list of emotional needs. We believe that people who love and are loved, who have a sense of belonging and can see purpose to their lives, who believe in themselves, and who have a sense of control over their own lives are secure individuals.

Meeting Your Emotional Needs

Expecting your spouse to fill your emotional needs is not only unfair, it is unreasonable. You should take responsibility for filling your emotional needs yourself.
"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure."

Source: Dennis Sugrue, psychologist,

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Monday, 10 October 2011

Do we really want our marriage to be a success?

There are numerous cases where marriage relationships get effected by the behavior of either or both the spouse.

It starts of with simple behavioral characteristics of an individual's personality.
Some of them particular to marriage relationships are
  1. Attitude
  2. Domination
  3. Jealousy
  4. Possessiveness
  5. Obsession
  6. Different priorities
  7. Desires
  8. Unfulfilled needs
Most of the problems can be solved with a healthy communication.
The most important questions we have to ask ourselves are
  1. Do we really want our marriage to be a success?
  2. What are the root causes which are giving rise to the problems?
  3. What steps can be taken to resolve them?
  4. Where and to what extent are we willing to change ourselves?
Most problems start of with very minor behavior irritants and grows very big due to non addressing the issues in time.

We wait too long to give the feedback where the behavior has become so atrocious that making a change now would be a monumental task. We come to a point where we start hating the person. This would not be so, if we had the courage and the foresight to correct them when it all started. Our apathy and negligence has fed the small irritant to turn it into a big monster.

Save Marriages

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Identifying Problems In Marriage Is The Biggest Challenge

How does a good doctor cure illness?
First a good doctor diagnoses the illness.
Next he finds out what has caused it.
Then he decides what the cure is.
Finally he prescribes the medicine or gives the treatment that will make the patient well again.

An ordinary doctor uses hit and trial methods.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Both spouses should be like a good doctor.
Communication helps in diagnosing illness or the problems.
Further communication helps in finding what caused the problem.
Your actions towards the right direction to remove the problems works as the prescribed medicine.

In any relationships, problems will always occur.
It is like an illness which needs cure and some illness needs immediate attention.
Any hit and trial method will complicate the illness or the problems.

Some illness are diagnosed at a very late stage and the best doctor also raises his hands.
It may happen due to ignorance, non communication of discomfort, attitude and many other factors.

Chronic illness causes sufferings not just for the ailing person but for everyone else close to him.

A good doctor goes through a systematic study program deliberately created where he is given the knowledge of all kinds of known illness, their symptoms, what causes these illness, diagnostic techniques and the cure.

Unfortunately no such study program is easily available relating to relationship problems.
Marriage counselors are there but not much faith is shown in them by most of married people.

We all are lucky that a good amount of information is available through internet.
However we should be deliberate in finding good information and assimilating it wisely.

The most common Problems in Marriage are
These links have good information. Save a marriage is a site I will recommend.

Many times we do not want to identify problems until it gets out of proportion.
One problem leads to another which leads to another.

The Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings but commitment.

Every marriage faces problems
Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

Marriage is a commitment to give the highest priority to this relationship once you have established that there are no evil intentions in either of the spouse.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Be Careful Who You Are Listening To.....

Thoughts become words
Words become actions
Actions become habits
Habits become character
Character becomes your destiny

Our thoughts are the manifestation of ...
  1. What we see
  2. What we hear and
  3. What we read.
Be careful who you are listening to.. what you are reading or seeing.
Even a very intelligent persons thinking gets affected by it.

A spiritual teacher claiming to have super natural powers predicted a boom in the economy one year back.

An unmarried person turns into a spiritual teacher and professes. "The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds." Even an intelligent person misinterpreting can lead to disastrous outcome.

A divorced man even if he is very closely related, can only lead you to getting divorce and not towards improving relationships. Subconsciously he is justifying his own actions.

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
Kahlil Gibran 

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
William James 

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”
Buddha teachings.

There is no relationship which does not encounter challenges and there are no challenges which can not be overcome.
Many times we overlook the challenges, the causes leading to those challenges and our failure to take corrective actions till the problems grow very big.
Some corrective actions are individual actions but some require participation from both partners.

Understanding the root cause of the problem and willingness to resolve the problems by both the partners is essential for a healthy relationship.


Problem Solving In Relationship

There is no problem in relationships which can not be solved if there is willingness to solve the problem.
Problem solving through healthy communication is a two sided effort.
The first step is to identify the problem and the causes that led to the problem.

Mansi married Ashwin against the advice of her parents.Ashwin did not know this but looking at the actions and reactions of Mansi's father, he could guess it.
Her fathers advice got embedded in her subconscious mind.
Her subconscious mind was looking for security just in case her father is proved right.
She clung on to her parents even more after the marriage.
Mansi and Ashwin stayed together in different cities than their parents because Ashwin had a transferable job.
Both Mansi's parents and Ashwin's mother lived in the same town.
The roots of the problem grew when Mansi refused to stay in Ashwin's mothers house whenever they went on vacations. She always stayed in her parents home.
Now there is nothing wrong with that but Ashwin somehow felt that Mansi's father was feeding Mansi's mind in a way which was not conducive to their good married relationship.
Ashwin spoke to Mansi about it but she did not pay due diligence to this.

Within 7 years of marriage Mansi and her parents convinced Ashwin to give up his secured job of Army Officer in Indian Army (Commissioned Army Officer in Indian Army is a highly prestigious job).
The convincing arguments for leaving army was that
  1. Mansi is a Canadian Citizen by birth. 
  2. Ashwin is unable to earn enough money to provide material comfort and a lifestyle to Mansi. (One of the reason Mansi gave to Ashwin for not staying in her mother's house was that it was not comfortable enough and had old fashioned bathroom).
  3. They can go to Canada and with Mansi's citizenship and qualifications they both will be able to have a much better lifestyle.
Ashwin applied for release from the army at the prime time of promotion selections. It took 6 stressful years of uncertainty and running around before Ashwin could leave Army and that too with no assurance of getting any pension.

Mansi refused to move to Canada at this stage and told Ashwin to go to Canada all alone if he wanted and when he is settled and gets into a position to give a comfortable lifestyle to Mansi, then she will move there.

Ashwin realised that the uncertainity, financial pressures will lead to mental stress. Since he was not a Canadian citizen, he will not stand any chance in establishing himself in Canada all by himself.

He wanted to shift to his own High Income Group flat in Delhi where he could renew his strength to face the new challenges.

Mansi again rejected his proposal to stay in Delhi saying that the flat was not comfortable. She preferred staying with her parents.
Ashwin bowed down to her wishes and agreed to stay with her in her father's house. He always preferred staying together with his family.

Next 8 months was very stressful for him not only because of his own situation but also the humiliation he faced from Mansi's father.

Luckily he got a good job in Mumbai. He joined there and wanted his family to join him. 
Mansi's father again started feeding Mansi that she had a wonderful career to pursue in Jaipur (Mansi had taken up teachers job in a school)  instead of joining her husband in Mumbai.
Mansi stayed back with her parents.
9 months later she lost her mother.
Some more time passed and Mansi's father decided that he should go to his three sons who were all settled in USA and Canada. With Mansi living with him, it will be difficult for him to leave her and go abroad.
At this stage Mansi joined her husband in Mumbai.

For many years he stayed 6 months abroad and 6 months in India, Mansi's father finally understood that he can not stay permanently with any of his sons so he stopped going abroad.
He again needed Mansi's support in his old age. He understood that he will not get support of physical stay with him from any of his sons.
He started ringing up Mansi everyday morning and evening expressing his miseries and loneliness.
This continued for 6 years. In 6 years he hardly rang up his sons.  His sons used to ring him up on certain occasions like New year or birthdays. Their visits to their father was also very short and with long gaps. Some of them did not even stay with him and chose to stay in hotels when visiting him.

Her father's calls made Mansi emotionally unhappy everyday and the unhappiness transmitted to her family also and affected relationships.

Ashwin's growth was hampered and he left his job in Mar 2010.
In May 2010, they married their daughter who shifted to USA to join her husband.

Ashwin and Mansi shifted to their own flat in Mumbai in Aug which was much smaller and less comfortable than the one they were living in.
Mansi suggested that they should go to Jaipur for 20 days, look for a suitable accommodation there and shift there permanently by Mar 2011. They could either sell the Mumbai flat or give it on rent. Ashwin agreed to it.
They went to Jaipur on 16 Nov 2010.
They stayed in Mansi's father's house because he was all alone. Ashwin's younger brother and his wife were staying with his mother.

The decisions to permanently shift to Jaipur kept pending and uncertainties kept increasing. The stay in Jaipur kept extending until in Mar 2011 Mansi declared that she will continue to stay in her father's house because he needs to be looked after.
By this time even Ashwin's mother who was 93, had become bedridden.
There was another thing which started putting stress on Ashwin's mind besides the loss of job and mother's illness. From 01 Jan till the 3rd week of May, Mansi did not visit Ashwin's mother.

Mansi had stopped stepping out of her father's house because at 98 he was losing his short term memory and  became psychic if he did not find Mansi at home.
Mansi started becoming aggressive with her father. Ashwin also started becoming aggressive. With his Indian upbringing, he believed that it was sons responsibilities to take care of their parents. he also believed that 6 years of phone calls to Mansi from her father who always talked about his loneliness and sufferings, had affected Mansi psychologically. Her father had started ringing up his relatives and friends also about his sufferings and many times it was at awkward hours of early mornings. The relatives and friends also started approaching Mansi and telling her that all this is happening because he is living all alone and none of his children felt any responsibility towards him.
Ashwin felt that the peace and harmony of his family was getting affected. There were some serious problems that his son landed himself into.
Emotionally perturbed, Mansi looked for some solace through hypnotherapy. This affected her thinking so much that she started believing in an unreal world instead of facing the real world. She developed misinterpreted beliefs on subjects like detached outlook, break all bonds, past life regression, your past life connections with present world and present relationships, discharging of responsibilities, elevating yourself to meet the next world, renouncing all worldly pleasures etc etc.

Ashwin wanted some solution to this situation and wrote to Mansi's brothers. None of them communicated with Ashwin on this issue.
Mansi's younger brother came to Jaipur in the end of Jul 2011 and within 4 days made Ashwin feel like a parasite living on the mercy of his father.
Ashwin talked about it with Mansi but again she overlooked it and Ashwin left for Mumbai very much agitated on 2 Aug.

Mansi and Ashwin have not communicated with each other ever since then.

Mansi's brother stayed in Jaipur along with his 2 adult children. The children stayed in a hotel instead of in their grandfather's house because it was not comfortable.
Mansi and her brother discussed various problems and what actions should be taken.
The net outcome was that all of a sudden Ashwin received court summons from Mansi which had whole lot of allegations against him such as being alcoholic, in the habit of beating Mansi, torturing Mansi's father, a gambler who lost money in share market, extracting money from Mansi and her father and a threat to their lives. Many of them were true but not to the proportion in which it is projected. Ashwin on the other hand had dramatized some of his actions hoping to get entirely different results.
Mansi did not consult her children before taking this extreme action which is considered the final step of breaking relationship.

Mansi's brothers on the other hand encouraged her to take such actions and suggested her how to make her case very strong against a "Bully".

33 years of relationship has come to an end.

This problem would not have grown to such an extent if
  1. Mansi would have just analyzed the causes of the problem.
  2.  Mansi could have shown some flexibility.
  3. Ashwin would have shown some rigidity instead of total flexibility which was adopted by him reluctantly.
  4. Mansi would have confided and consulted her two mature children because even their life is getting affected.
  5. Mansi would have explored some communication channel open before taking the ultimate action of Court case.
The problem can still be resolved provided both Ashwin and Mansi are looking for a solution.
Healthy communications, willingness, flexibility in thinking and keeping ego in the pocket are the key ingredients in resolving this issue.

Monday, 3 October 2011

How Marriage Relationships Are Ruined

People will forget what you said, 

People will forget what you did, but 

People will never forget how you made them feel.

 - Maya Angelou-

Emotions are the feelings of happiness, joy, anger, hurt, sadness, depressions and excitement.
All are the outcome from our thinking.
The thinking is always affected by our learning process, exposure and interpretations.
The physical circumstances also affect our thinking.

Marriage is the most intimate relationship to share feelings however it is important to
understand and respect your spouses feelings as well.
There are times when you have to take judicious decisions and change your feelings.

Soon after marriage, Anita was exposed to a Spiritual guru who was advocating some
sort of wisdom which Anita interpreted as giving up physical relationship desires with
her husband. Their marriage was almost breaking but luckily Anita  realised timely the importance
and the necessity of it and saved her marriage.

Mansi (56) was also exposed to a spiritual Guru.
She received his discourse through email on 7 Jul 2011. (Published below)
She interprets it her way and without and communication, issue court summon to her husband for separation on 9 Sep 2011.

Spiritual Guru's Discourse

7th July, 2011

The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds.

This energy flow will last approximately 30 to 35 days from this moment onward, and if you so choose, you may ‘ride upon the wave’ and break all kinds of bonds that have held you captive over lifetimes.

Let us look at some of these bonds.

From the widest perspective, there are bonds you might have carried forward over lifetimes.  You might be bonded to a vow of poverty or chastity, for example, which you might not even be consciously aware of, in this lifetime.  Similarly, you might be carrying forward an issue of victimhood, or bigotry, or lack, and playing out this pattern over and over again.

Then there are family bonds: aspects that an entire family, generation after generation, is trapped in, as a collective.

And then there are earthly bonds you create in the current lifetime, in which you are enmeshed: patterns and belief structures that have now become ‘energetic corsets’ that grow tighter and tighter over time.

The task of freeing yourself from these bonds has to be done personally; you may take help along the way, but the actual act is a personal one, and is reliant upon your own power. 

You will have to introspect deeply, and clearly define your bonds.  You then have to understand why you have created these bonds, and then choose to shift into another space of existence.

Many in this room, for example, are enmeshed in bonds of chastity and poverty. Please understand that ‘chastity’ does not only refer to sexual abstinence, but also to lack, constriction and deprivation in other areas of you life.

Could one call these bonds ‘constraints’?


As service to self in this area, you will now start creating events that offer you the opportunity to face and identify these bonds.  Be alert to these throughout the day: situations of varying degrees of magnitude will arise for this very purpose.

Could there be a bond with space, rather than a person?

Yes, if you feel yourself excessively bonded to, or stifled by, a particular space.

Can we break a negative bond and try to transmute it into a positive one?

You can free yourself of it by first understanding why you created it, learning your lesson, and then choosing to exist in another reality.  This new ‘space’ is not another bond, but an energetic space of choice.

Let us look at a practical example: assuming you have a certain constricted, repetitive pattern with your husband.  When you examine this, you find that you are playing the victim to him.  You may then realize that this pattern is not only between you and your husband, but that you play this with several others as well.

Now, having identified this bond, you must first take responsibility for having created it, and then self-search, to find out why.  Only after this is done can you choose, through strong intent, to sever the bond, and replace it with another state of existence.  Perhaps this could be the choice of living ‘as an equal’ with others, instead of constantly playing the doormat.

The final stage is this: you have to take action and begin to live it. You have to touch your own power, and stand up to the upcoming situations.  Face them. Speak out in balance and power. Hold your own. In short, you have to live the change you have just created.

 How often can you change the change?

 As often as you desire, and with whomsoever and whatever you desire.  The human race is currently ready for a collective shift in its patterns and belief structures.  It is ready for this metamorphosis.  And therefore it has drawn to self the appropriate universal energies, to facilitate this.

Now, even when the collective had drawn these energies to self, you still have individual choice: you can resist these changes, or you can choose to flow with them.  Those who resist will simply find their personal circumstances getting harder and more intensive…this is natural, as at a higher level, all desire the change.  The freedom from old bonds.

Author's comments

Super intelligent people talk philosophies, create a following and start suggesting what is to be done and they mastermind everything for commercial reasons. Gullible people fall into the trap.
The whole philosophy is complicated and does not make sense to a common man.
Mansi misunderstood everything about "The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds." and took action to severe her relationships with her husband within the given time frame of 35 days.

No teaching should be looked at as a single complete teaching. All things are inter related. 
There is this body and then we have the mind.
Body has it's own needs. If you are hungry you need food and not positive thinking or spiritual pursuit.
A positive thinking may give you strength to endure the hunger a little longer and to look for better solutions to meet the need of the body but if the need is not fulfilled, we ultimately have to give in to the need of hunger or other body requirements.

Life is simple and beautiful. Don't make it complex with philosophies in order to look or feel different without understanding the difference.

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.  Buddha

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.  Buddha