Men have Different Needs Than Women

Marriage is a relationship based on needs, emotional feelings and not just social requirement. It has the power to enhance the capabilities of each other or in certain cases if mishandled, it can even destroy each other.

It is essential to reach a certain maturity level before getting into matrimonial relationship.

It requires certain understanding of each others needs and emotional feelings and make room for them.

When needs are not fulfilled, it leads to dissatisfaction and affects us emotionally. It is good to let out our pent up emotions instead of accumulating it to a point that it explodes and causes traumatic situation.

There are ups and downs in any family and in our life. It is how we handle them makes the difference. The important factor is our intentions.

There are two most essential things in marriage relationship are

1. Feelings for each other.

2. Communication

It is the feelings for each other that makes us face most of the challenges, give up certain rigidity to accommodate the needs of the partner, go out of the way to fulfill normal wishes of the partner.

Communication is essential to understand each other, their needs and feelings. Even emotional out bursts, anger etc are a form of communication though not healthy communication.

Non communication, miscommunication, hurting communication and indifferent attitude are some of the hurdles in marriage relationships.

Arranged marriages start of with social requirements and, along the way understanding each others needs and fulfilling them helps develop emotional feelings for each other. The faster we make efforts to understand each others needs and develop emotional attachment, the happier the relationship will be.

It is an established fact that the needs of women are little different then that of a man. Women is more sensitive in nature and looks for security. A man on the other hand attaches more importance to his physical and emotional needs and is more egoistic.

A little care should be taken in verbal communication. Any normal relationships are bound to face some hurting moments. It is advisable to avoid hurting words but to suppress your emotions is also harmful. With practice we can learn taming of emotions.

If we can learn to pacify each other after the hurting moments using simple words like "sorry", "I appreciate what you have done for me", "I love you" etc, it helps in diffusing the hard feelings. Men being more egoistic, this initiative will generally have to come from women. It can make the most egoistic people also melt fast.

A man generally seeks physical relationship to release his tensions. A woman should help her husband release his tensions. She should use her charm and make her husband feel wanted.

Ultimately it is the emotional feelings which counts and makes us take actions and decisions to accommodate the other partner and his incompatibility. If the emotional attachment is lacking, the marriage will be unhappy and sooner or later will result into traumatic situations.

Identifying Problems In Marriage Is The Biggest Challenge

How does a good doctor cure illness?
First a good doctor diagnoses the illness.
Next he finds out what has caused it.
Then he decides what the cure is.
Finally he prescribes the medicine or gives the treatment that will make the patient well again.

An ordinary doctor uses hit and trial methods.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Both spouses should be like a good doctor.
Communication helps in diagnosing illness or the problems.
Further communication helps in finding what caused the problem.
Your actions towards the right direction to remove the problems works as the prescribed medicine.

In any relationships, problems will always occur.
It is like an illness which needs cure and some illness needs immediate attention.
Any hit and trial method will complicate the illness or the problems.

Some illness are diagnosed at a very late stage and the best doctor also raises his hands.
It may happen due to ignorance, non communication of discomfort, attitude and many other factors.

Chronic illness causes sufferings not just for the ailing person but for everyone else close to him.

A good doctor goes through a systematic study program deliberately created where he is given the knowledge of all kinds of known illness, their symptoms, what causes these illness, diagnostic techniques and the cure.

Unfortunately no such study program is easily available relating to relationship problems.
Marriage counselors are there but not much faith is shown in them by most of married people.

We all are lucky that a good amount of information is available through internet.
However we should be deliberate in finding good information and assimilating it wisely.

The most common Problems in Marriage are

• Communication
• Unresolved baggage
• Unfulfilled expectations
• Sex and intimacy
• Resentments
• Infidelity
• Financial Problems
• Intellectuals Problems

These links have good information. Save a marriage is a site I will recommend.

Many times we do not want to identify problems until it gets out of proportion.
One problem leads to another which leads to another.

The Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings but commitment.

Every marriage faces problems

Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

Marriage is a commitment to give the highest priority to this relationship once you have established that there are no evil intentions in either of the spouse.

Be Careful Who You Are Listening To.....

Thoughts become words
Words become actions
Actions become habits
Habits become character
Character becomes your destiny

Our thoughts are the manifestation of ...

1. What we see
2. What we hear and
3. What we read.

Be careful who you are listening to.. what you are reading or seeing.
Even a very intelligent persons thinking gets affected by it.

A spiritual teacher claiming to have super natural powers predicted a boom in the economy one year back.

An unmarried person turns into a spiritual teacher and professes. "The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds." Even an intelligent person misinterpreting can lead to disastrous outcome.

A divorced man even if he is very closely related, can only lead you to getting divorce and not towards improving relationships. Subconsciously he is justifying his own actions.

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

Kahlil Gibran 

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

William James 

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”
Buddha teachings.

There is no relationship which does not encounter challenges and there are no challenges which can not be overcome.
Many times we overlook the challenges, the causes leading to those challenges and our failure to take corrective actions till the problems grow very big.
Some corrective actions are individual actions but some require participation from both partners.

Understanding the root cause of the problem and willingness to resolve the problems by both the partners is essential for a healthy relationship.


HELP SAVE MARRIAGES

How Marriage Relationships Are Ruined

People will forget what you said, 

People will forget what you did, but 

People will never forget how you made them feel.

 - Maya Angelou-

Emotions are the feelings of happiness, joy, anger, hurt, sadness, depressions and excitement.
All are the outcome from our thinking.
The thinking is always affected by our learning process, exposure and interpretations.
The physical circumstances also affect our thinking.

Marriage is the most intimate relationship to share feelings however it is important to
understand and respect your spouses feelings as well.
There are times when you have to take judicious decisions and change your feelings.

Soon after marriage, Anita was exposed to a Spiritual guru who was advocating some
sort of wisdom which Anita interpreted as giving up physical relationship desires with
her husband. Their marriage was almost breaking but luckily Anita  realised timely the importance
and the necessity of it and saved her marriage.

Mansi (56) was also exposed to a spiritual Guru.
She received his discourse through email on 7 Jul 2011. (Published below)
She interprets it her way and without and communication, issue court summon to her husband for separation on 9 Sep 2011.

Spiritual Guru's Discourse

7^th July, 2011

The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds.

This energy flow will last approximately 30 to 35 days from this moment onward, and if you so choose, you may ‘ride upon the wave’ and break all kinds of bonds that have held you captive over lifetimes.

Let us look at some of these bonds.

From the widest perspective, there are bonds you might have carried forward over lifetimes.  You might be bonded to a vow of poverty or chastity, for example, which you might not even be consciously aware of, in this lifetime.  Similarly, you might be carrying forward an issue of victimhood, or bigotry, or lack, and playing out this pattern over and over again.

Then there are family bonds: aspects that an entire family, generation after generation, is trapped in, as a collective.

And then there are earthly bonds you create in the current lifetime, in which you are enmeshed: patterns and belief structures that have now become ‘energetic corsets’ that grow tighter and tighter over time.

The task of freeing yourself from these bonds has to be done personally; you may take help along the way, but the actual act is a personal one, and is reliant upon your own power. 

You will have to introspect deeply, and clearly define your bonds.  You then have to understand why you have created these bonds, and then choose to shift into another space of existence.

Many in this room, for example, are enmeshed in bonds of chastity and poverty. Please understand that ‘chastity’ does not only refer to sexual abstinence, but also to lack, constriction and deprivation in other areas of you life.

Could one call these bonds ‘constraints’?

Yes.

As service to self in this area, you will now start creating events that offer you the opportunity to face and identify these bonds.  Be alert to these throughout the day: situations of varying degrees of magnitude will arise for this very purpose.

Could there be a bond with space, rather than a person?

Yes, if you feel yourself excessively bonded to, or stifled by, a particular space.

Can we break a negative bond and try to transmute it into a positive one?

You can free yourself of it by first understanding why you created it, learning your lesson, and then choosing to exist in another reality.  This new ‘space’ is not another bond, but an energetic space of choice.

Let us look at a practical example: assuming you have a certain constricted, repetitive pattern with your husband.  When you examine this, you find that you are playing the victim to him.  You may then realize that this pattern is not only between you and your husband, but that you play this with several others as well.

Now, having identified this bond, you must first take responsibility for having created it, and then self-search, to find out why.  Only after this is done can you choose, through strong intent, to sever the bond, and replace it with another state of existence.  Perhaps this could be the choice of living ‘as an equal’ with others, instead of constantly playing the doormat.

The final stage is this: you have to take action and begin to live it. You have to touch your own power, and stand up to the upcoming situations.  Face them. Speak out in balance and power. Hold your own. In short, you have to live the change you have just created.

 How often can you change the change?

 As often as you desire, and with whomsoever and whatever you desire.  The human race is currently ready for a collective shift in its patterns and belief structures.  It is ready for this metamorphosis.  And therefore it has drawn to self the appropriate universal energies, to facilitate this.

Now, even when the collective had drawn these energies to self, you still have individual choice: you can resist these changes, or you can choose to flow with them.  Those who resist will simply find their personal circumstances getting harder and more intensive…this is natural, as at a higher level, all desire the change.  The freedom from old bonds.

Author's comments

Super intelligent people talk philosophies, create a following and start suggesting what is to be done and they mastermind everything for commercial reasons. Gullible people fall into the trap.

The whole philosophy is complicated and does not make sense to a common man.
Mansi misunderstood everything about "The next month is vital for one particular activity: that of breaking bonds." and took action to severe her relationships with her husband within the given time frame of 35 days.


No teaching should be looked at as a single complete teaching. All things are inter related. 
There is this body and then we have the mind.
Body has it's own needs. If you are hungry you need food and not positive thinking or spiritual pursuit.
A positive thinking may give you strength to endure the hunger a little longer and to look for better solutions to meet the need of the body but if the need is not fulfilled, we ultimately have to give in to the need of hunger or other body requirements.

Life is simple and beautiful. Don't make it complex with philosophies in order to look or feel different without understanding the difference.


A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.  Buddha



Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.  Buddha

Intimacy Between Spouse

“A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium.”

 Man’s basic need is to be needed; to be loved; to be accepted. But definitely he doesn't want to be "used".

Everyone wants Intimacy, because otherwise you are alone in the world, without anyone you can trust, without anyone to whom you can open your wounds.

The most intimate relationship can only be shared between husband and wife. All other relationships can be "Intense" but not as "Intimate" as this relationship.

Unless you drop the repressions, and inhibitions of your culture, society, religion, parents etc, you cannot be intimate. If you have lived a simple, natural life you will have no fear of intimacy.

If you are ready to be intimate, you will encourage the other person also to be intimate. You can enjoy Trust, Love, and Openness.  

Intimacy means that the doors of the heart are open  and welcome. The heart should not be full of repressions and boiling with perversions. It should be free, natural, and innocent like a child’s.

Don’t waste the few days you are here in hypocrisy, fear etc. Rejoice now --- because the only thing in your hand is your life and make it as joyous as possible. 

You have to free your mind of everything and accept the role of a spouse and work your way to "Intimacy" with each other.

Communication is very important and it is not just the use of words. The process of communication for having an intimate relationship with your spouse is through the heart, emotions, body language and physical relationship. Even simple acts of hugging, embracing and kissing is communication.

Many of are afraid of intimacy; consciously or unconsciously. We have the fear that intimacy will lead to exposing oneself before a stranger and you don’t what the stranger will do to you.

We are all hiding behind different masks – inhibitions, repressions, taboos. It feels safe to keep a little distance because someone may take advantage of your weakness, your vulnerability.

You have to drop all your differences – only then intimacy is possible.  

When you have chosen a person to be your spouse, you must have seen something good in that person. Make those good attributes stronger. Do not hide things from each other. 

Do not use this lovely vehicle for your own fulfillment. 

Remember that rigidity kills relationships. 

Use your wisdom to avoid situations, other relationships which are causing problems. Some times the parents or siblings or even some friends unknowingly and inadvertently cause problems. Be judicious in dealing with them.

Watch this Beautiful Video

Mansi's case is very common.
Mansi is well educated and fond of reading.
In her early days she got affected by "Chastity".
Inspite of her education she misinterpreted the meaning.

Chastity refers to the sexual behavior of a man or woman acceptable to the moral standards and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion.  (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

Thesaurus:

Chastity (Noun)- abstaining from sexual relations (as because of religious vows)

Mansi perceived marriage as "Mills and Boon" romance.
She  just could not rectify the deeply embedded perceptions she had interpreted in her sub conscious mind before marriage days.
Her perceptions led to actions which gave feeling of "Rejection" to Ashwin, her husband.
One thing led to another. Actions had reactions.
For Ashwin, the basic pleasures of marriage was denied.
For Mansi, the marriage did not turn out to be a "Mills and Boon" romance.
They somehow managed being married for 33 years, however their growth and progress was hampered. Most of their married life was filled with unhappiness and now they are heading towards separation.

A man in a relationship trades intimacy to get sex. A woman in a relationship trades sex to get intimacy.

Old Proverb

There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream-whatever that dream might be.

Pearl Buck

“Mom hates dad, Dad hates mom, it all makes you feel so sad.”

“My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.” 

Life is Simple; Don't Make It Complicated

Human beings have three role to play in their life and these are real simple roles.

1. Role of a child. 
2. Role of a Spouse
3. Role of Parents

Most of us play the three roles but some do not choose the second role and thus deny themselves the pleasure of becoming biological parents which is essential to recycle this world. Just imagine if one complete generation decide to opt out of the second role, soon the earth will have no children and the entire species will vanish.

 I will discuss only the second role here.

This role is the most significant because here is where your personality, your wisdom will have to be used. When faced with challenges, this is the easiest role to give up.
This role also acquires  significance because it has direct impact on the other two roles.
Husband and wife relationship becomes enjoyable as long as they are selflessly fulfilling each other instead of fulfilling themselves.

 The cases of dissatisfied marriages and divorce have increased to gigantic levels. In States, children have made divorce as a game and enact what they see their parents doing.

There are two important aspects in this relationship

1. Physical relationship
2. Emotional relationship

No one can deny the importance of physical relationship. And, physical relationships with emotional feelings easily available between spouses is a wonderful experience.
Treachery, extra marital relations, pervert ism and many other things effect. Sometimes some sickness of the spouse also effects.

Let us view some cases:-

The wife is acute asthmatic with eczema at the time of marriage. She was a horrid reader of Mills and Boon. She somehow disliked physical relationships and thought that marriage is "Mills and Boon" romance with lovy dovy talks and only an emotional relationship.
The husband accepted her illness reluctantly but the wife showed averse reactions to physical contacts thereby giving a feeling of rejection.
There were many emotional reasons also that kept building.
The wife had generally stayed away from her parents home for education. She had just returned from abroad education and within 4 months accepted to marry this boy who the father had approached through matrimonial ad. It appeared that she was looking for social security and "Romance" with a dummy husband.
The father of this girl for some reason kept telling their daughter that this boy is not a good match for you and she could refuse the marriage. But on girls insistence, the marriage went through.
The father who had been in the diplomatic service, had reached the second highest position but resigned on emotional grounds because he thought he was overlooked for the highest promotion whereas he learned later that he was being promoted. He sub consciously could not forgive himself for this wrong assessment and hasty decision.
In his own way he knowingly or unknowingly wanted to prove that his assessment of this boy was correct.
The fathers negative assessment kept playing in the mind of this girl who had now chosen the role of a wife.
She could not see that at various stages her father provoked her to pursue a career instead of being with her husband and this played heavily on husband emotionally. Father understood that she had married primarily for social security and pursuing a career can provide her that.

She allowed herself to believe that she could get much better materialistic comforts if her husband who was an elite Army Officer, resigned and moved to Canada with her to earn more.
The husband also agreed but it took a long time for him to be out because the army wouldn't leave him.
When he finally came out after 5 years of  emotional stress of uncertainties just to believe and work the plans his wife had, she refused to go to Canada. Husband again thought it to be a well planned diplomatic move from his wife's father.

To cut the long story short, the wife chose the Role of wife when she was mentally not ready to accept the role and was looking for something else which she thought she will get by accepting the role without playing it.
She did not use her wisdom to see which factors are causing hindrance and what are the right solutions.
The result .... after 33 years they are now separated. And that too not with a friendly note but with lot of bitterness. She thought she has been wronged because this man did not turn out to be "Mills and Boon " romantic partner. On the other hand he caused her too many emotional stress and is a "Bully" and must be taught a lesson by destroying is image and destroying him.

The whole life became complicated where as it could have been very simple and enjoyable if only both of them had understood their Role as spouse.

Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

Man’s basic need is to be needed; to be loved; to be accepted. But definitely he doesn't want to be "used".

Warrior Of The Light - Review

Warrior of the Light is a book written by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist.

I downloaded this book and started reading it for some strange reason.

The very first few pages gave me the impression that although this book is full of wisdom but it actually depends on how a person interprets these wisdom words.

I believe that a person can always learn even from a beggar. One can learn good things even from a bad teacher and can learn bad things from a good teacher. It is all about our own "Attitude", our circumstances and a reflection of our personality.

There are many contradictory lessons  but then most of us are in a contradiction with our self only.
The enemy that we are fighting with as a warrior is within our self.
If we start considering our self as a "Warrior of the Light" and use the lessons to fight with another person, give a blow or teach other person a lesson, it is an individual's perception with which I do not agree.
Some times such actions are necessary but it should not be born out of "Rigidity", "Ego", "Selfish interests" or from the influence of other people or relationships which are contradicting the basic relationships.
All actions are justified if the end results are good.

Warrior of the Light is a very good reading. It depicts the Warrior as an ordinary person who has to face different situations and emotional conditions. It is for us to choose what suits us best. And definitely these lessons are to be used with great wisdom when it comes to relationships because relationships is not a war with the other person.
We will be able to understand it better when we realize that the real enemy is within us and not outside.

I feel that a person must accept the role which he/she has in life and play that role sincerely. Some roles are involuntary and we have no control on these roles but some roles are volantary and we have full control on such roles.
The first role with which we enter this world is of a son/ daughter.We have no control in choosing this role.
The second role is that of a spouse, the role over which we have choice and this role is the most significant because here is where your personality, your wisdom will have to be used. When faced with challenges, this is the easiest role to give up.

Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

The third role is that of a father/ mother which is nothing but a leadership role. Children learn not from what you say but from your actions.

An ordinary person is seeking happiness and contentment in life.
A highly intelligent person is seeking "Meaning" and "Purpose" of life.
There are pseudo intelligent people and the world is full of them. Outwardly they will keep projecting that they are learning wisdom. With half wisdom they tend to destroy others and also themselves in trying to seek "Meaning" and "Purpose" of life.

 Excerpts from "Warrior of the Light"

 Warrior of the Light chooses his enemies.
He knows what he is capable of; he does not have to go
about the world boasting of his qualities and virtues.
Nevertheless, there is always some one who wants to
prove himself better than he is.

For the Warrior, there is no "better" or "worse": everyone
has the necessary gifts for his particular path.

But certain people insist. They provoke and offend and
do everything they can to irritate him. At that point, his
heart says: "Do not respond to these insults, they will not
increase your abilities. You will tire yourself needlessly."

A Warrior of the Light does not waste time listening
to provocation; he has a destiny to fulfill.

My views

1. The enemy is within yourself and not your friends, colleagues, parents, children or spouse.
2.  The person who wants to prove himself better than he is.... is yourself
3.  There is no "better" or "worse": everyone has the necessary gifts for his particular path. The real conflict occurs when you start forgetting "YOUR ROLE".
4. YOU feel offended, irritated not by certain people but by YOU only.
5. If you are weak, you let other people "Provoke" you with their selfish interests. 
6. You have to remember your role, your destiny to fulfill.

All the problem arises when you do not understand your role.
I know of children who do not fulfill their role.
I know of parents who, for their selfish interests, ego or just to prove their point, have destroyed the married life of their children.

Warrior Of The Light Perception

"Warrior of the Light values a child's eyes because they are able to look at the world without bitterness. When he wants to find out if the person beside him is worthy of his trust, he tries to see him as a child would."

Warrior of the Light is a book written by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist.

I downloaded this book and started reading it.

The very first few pages gave me the impression that although this book is full of wisdom but it actually depends on how a person interprets these wisdom words.

 Warrior of the Light talks about You looking at the world without bitterness. Bitterness arises from hatred and not out of Emotional Outbursts or even selfishness to a certain extent. A child does not laugh when he is crying and does not cry when he is actually happy and laughing and you can certainly not term these emotional reactions as "Bitterness". As he grows a little, he pretends to cry for selfish wants like some toys or food etc. He can pretend to cry but will very rarely pretend to laugh when he is actually crying. It is still not termed as "Bitterness".

My question is
1: What is bitterness
2 Where does a child learn bitterness from?

Who will you appreciate more?
1. A person who does not pretend and shows his good and bad
emotional out bursts which maybe acceptable to some and not
acceptable to some.
or
2. A person who pretends to be happy but actually bitter from
inside which comes out bursting all of a sudden.

Warrior Of The Light throws some light on these aspects but every one perceives it differently. The underlying difference is "Bitterness", "Pretension" and "Emotions".

I would like to invite people with their views.