Intimacy Between Spouse

“A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium.”

 Man’s basic need is to be needed; to be loved; to be accepted. But definitely he doesn't want to be "used".

Everyone wants Intimacy, because otherwise you are alone in the world, without anyone you can trust, without anyone to whom you can open your wounds.

The most intimate relationship can only be shared between husband and wife. All other relationships can be "Intense" but not as "Intimate" as this relationship.

Unless you drop the repressions, and inhibitions of your culture, society, religion, parents etc, you cannot be intimate. If you have lived a simple, natural life you will have no fear of intimacy.

If you are ready to be intimate, you will encourage the other person also to be intimate. You can enjoy Trust, Love, and Openness.  

Intimacy means that the doors of the heart are open  and welcome. The heart should not be full of repressions and boiling with perversions. It should be free, natural, and innocent like a child’s.

Don’t waste the few days you are here in hypocrisy, fear etc. Rejoice now --- because the only thing in your hand is your life and make it as joyous as possible. 

You have to free your mind of everything and accept the role of a spouse and work your way to "Intimacy" with each other.

Communication is very important and it is not just the use of words. The process of communication for having an intimate relationship with your spouse is through the heart, emotions, body language and physical relationship. Even simple acts of hugging, embracing and kissing is communication.

Many of are afraid of intimacy; consciously or unconsciously. We have the fear that intimacy will lead to exposing oneself before a stranger and you don’t what the stranger will do to you.

We are all hiding behind different masks – inhibitions, repressions, taboos. It feels safe to keep a little distance because someone may take advantage of your weakness, your vulnerability.

You have to drop all your differences – only then intimacy is possible.  

When you have chosen a person to be your spouse, you must have seen something good in that person. Make those good attributes stronger. Do not hide things from each other. 

Do not use this lovely vehicle for your own fulfillment. 

Remember that rigidity kills relationships. 

Use your wisdom to avoid situations, other relationships which are causing problems. Some times the parents or siblings or even some friends unknowingly and inadvertently cause problems. Be judicious in dealing with them.

Watch this Beautiful Video

Mansi's case is very common.
Mansi is well educated and fond of reading.
In her early days she got affected by "Chastity".
Inspite of her education she misinterpreted the meaning.

Chastity refers to the sexual behavior of a man or woman acceptable to the moral standards and guidelines of a culture, civilization, or religion.  (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

Thesaurus:

Chastity (Noun)- abstaining from sexual relations (as because of religious vows)

Mansi perceived marriage as "Mills and Boon" romance.
She  just could not rectify the deeply embedded perceptions she had interpreted in her sub conscious mind before marriage days.
Her perceptions led to actions which gave feeling of "Rejection" to Ashwin, her husband.
One thing led to another. Actions had reactions.
For Ashwin, the basic pleasures of marriage was denied.
For Mansi, the marriage did not turn out to be a "Mills and Boon" romance.
They somehow managed being married for 33 years, however their growth and progress was hampered. Most of their married life was filled with unhappiness and now they are heading towards separation.

A man in a relationship trades intimacy to get sex. A woman in a relationship trades sex to get intimacy.

Old Proverb

There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream-whatever that dream might be.

Pearl Buck

“Mom hates dad, Dad hates mom, it all makes you feel so sad.”

“My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.” 

Life is Simple; Don't Make It Complicated

Human beings have three role to play in their life and these are real simple roles.

1. Role of a child. 
2. Role of a Spouse
3. Role of Parents

Most of us play the three roles but some do not choose the second role and thus deny themselves the pleasure of becoming biological parents which is essential to recycle this world. Just imagine if one complete generation decide to opt out of the second role, soon the earth will have no children and the entire species will vanish.

 I will discuss only the second role here.

This role is the most significant because here is where your personality, your wisdom will have to be used. When faced with challenges, this is the easiest role to give up.
This role also acquires  significance because it has direct impact on the other two roles.
Husband and wife relationship becomes enjoyable as long as they are selflessly fulfilling each other instead of fulfilling themselves.

 The cases of dissatisfied marriages and divorce have increased to gigantic levels. In States, children have made divorce as a game and enact what they see their parents doing.

There are two important aspects in this relationship

1. Physical relationship
2. Emotional relationship

No one can deny the importance of physical relationship. And, physical relationships with emotional feelings easily available between spouses is a wonderful experience.
Treachery, extra marital relations, pervert ism and many other things effect. Sometimes some sickness of the spouse also effects.

Let us view some cases:-

The wife is acute asthmatic with eczema at the time of marriage. She was a horrid reader of Mills and Boon. She somehow disliked physical relationships and thought that marriage is "Mills and Boon" romance with lovy dovy talks and only an emotional relationship.
The husband accepted her illness reluctantly but the wife showed averse reactions to physical contacts thereby giving a feeling of rejection.
There were many emotional reasons also that kept building.
The wife had generally stayed away from her parents home for education. She had just returned from abroad education and within 4 months accepted to marry this boy who the father had approached through matrimonial ad. It appeared that she was looking for social security and "Romance" with a dummy husband.
The father of this girl for some reason kept telling their daughter that this boy is not a good match for you and she could refuse the marriage. But on girls insistence, the marriage went through.
The father who had been in the diplomatic service, had reached the second highest position but resigned on emotional grounds because he thought he was overlooked for the highest promotion whereas he learned later that he was being promoted. He sub consciously could not forgive himself for this wrong assessment and hasty decision.
In his own way he knowingly or unknowingly wanted to prove that his assessment of this boy was correct.
The fathers negative assessment kept playing in the mind of this girl who had now chosen the role of a wife.
She could not see that at various stages her father provoked her to pursue a career instead of being with her husband and this played heavily on husband emotionally. Father understood that she had married primarily for social security and pursuing a career can provide her that.

She allowed herself to believe that she could get much better materialistic comforts if her husband who was an elite Army Officer, resigned and moved to Canada with her to earn more.
The husband also agreed but it took a long time for him to be out because the army wouldn't leave him.
When he finally came out after 5 years of  emotional stress of uncertainties just to believe and work the plans his wife had, she refused to go to Canada. Husband again thought it to be a well planned diplomatic move from his wife's father.

To cut the long story short, the wife chose the Role of wife when she was mentally not ready to accept the role and was looking for something else which she thought she will get by accepting the role without playing it.
She did not use her wisdom to see which factors are causing hindrance and what are the right solutions.
The result .... after 33 years they are now separated. And that too not with a friendly note but with lot of bitterness. She thought she has been wronged because this man did not turn out to be "Mills and Boon " romantic partner. On the other hand he caused her too many emotional stress and is a "Bully" and must be taught a lesson by destroying is image and destroying him.

The whole life became complicated where as it could have been very simple and enjoyable if only both of them had understood their Role as spouse.

Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

Man’s basic need is to be needed; to be loved; to be accepted. But definitely he doesn't want to be "used".

Warrior Of The Light - Review

Warrior of the Light is a book written by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist.

I downloaded this book and started reading it for some strange reason.

The very first few pages gave me the impression that although this book is full of wisdom but it actually depends on how a person interprets these wisdom words.

I believe that a person can always learn even from a beggar. One can learn good things even from a bad teacher and can learn bad things from a good teacher. It is all about our own "Attitude", our circumstances and a reflection of our personality.

There are many contradictory lessons  but then most of us are in a contradiction with our self only.
The enemy that we are fighting with as a warrior is within our self.
If we start considering our self as a "Warrior of the Light" and use the lessons to fight with another person, give a blow or teach other person a lesson, it is an individual's perception with which I do not agree.
Some times such actions are necessary but it should not be born out of "Rigidity", "Ego", "Selfish interests" or from the influence of other people or relationships which are contradicting the basic relationships.
All actions are justified if the end results are good.

Warrior of the Light is a very good reading. It depicts the Warrior as an ordinary person who has to face different situations and emotional conditions. It is for us to choose what suits us best. And definitely these lessons are to be used with great wisdom when it comes to relationships because relationships is not a war with the other person.
We will be able to understand it better when we realize that the real enemy is within us and not outside.

I feel that a person must accept the role which he/she has in life and play that role sincerely. Some roles are involuntary and we have no control on these roles but some roles are volantary and we have full control on such roles.
The first role with which we enter this world is of a son/ daughter.We have no control in choosing this role.
The second role is that of a spouse, the role over which we have choice and this role is the most significant because here is where your personality, your wisdom will have to be used. When faced with challenges, this is the easiest role to give up.

Marriage becomes significant only when you strive to become a "Husband" and a "Wife" to each other even if you may have to forgo other relationships which are causing hindrance. Soon all other relationships will automatically become significant.

The third role is that of a father/ mother which is nothing but a leadership role. Children learn not from what you say but from your actions.

An ordinary person is seeking happiness and contentment in life.
A highly intelligent person is seeking "Meaning" and "Purpose" of life.
There are pseudo intelligent people and the world is full of them. Outwardly they will keep projecting that they are learning wisdom. With half wisdom they tend to destroy others and also themselves in trying to seek "Meaning" and "Purpose" of life.

 Excerpts from "Warrior of the Light"

 Warrior of the Light chooses his enemies.
He knows what he is capable of; he does not have to go
about the world boasting of his qualities and virtues.
Nevertheless, there is always some one who wants to
prove himself better than he is.

For the Warrior, there is no "better" or "worse": everyone
has the necessary gifts for his particular path.

But certain people insist. They provoke and offend and
do everything they can to irritate him. At that point, his
heart says: "Do not respond to these insults, they will not
increase your abilities. You will tire yourself needlessly."

A Warrior of the Light does not waste time listening
to provocation; he has a destiny to fulfill.

My views

1. The enemy is within yourself and not your friends, colleagues, parents, children or spouse.
2.  The person who wants to prove himself better than he is.... is yourself
3.  There is no "better" or "worse": everyone has the necessary gifts for his particular path. The real conflict occurs when you start forgetting "YOUR ROLE".
4. YOU feel offended, irritated not by certain people but by YOU only.
5. If you are weak, you let other people "Provoke" you with their selfish interests. 
6. You have to remember your role, your destiny to fulfill.

All the problem arises when you do not understand your role.
I know of children who do not fulfill their role.
I know of parents who, for their selfish interests, ego or just to prove their point, have destroyed the married life of their children.

A Simple Apology Was Needed

Sitting by my window I was enjoying the nature when suddenly I heard loud shouting of a lady.
It appeared that it was coming from the flat below.
The shouting continued and became even louder.
I checked out of window and found that the shouting was coming from the road.

There was a lady holding a dog and was furious on another young lady standing next to her.
My curiosity increased.
I first imagined that it was a mother shouting at her daughter.
I listened carefully.
The lady shouting was furious because the younger lady's dog had bitten the other lady's dog and how much she loved her dog. She had to take the dog to the vet. 
So the story was that the younger lad had gone to meet someone in the building where this other lady stays. She had taken her dog also along and her dog bit the other lady's dog.
The emotional out burst led to filing a complaint with the police.
Soon the police arrived and asked the younger lady for

1. Society permission to keepthe dog
2. Vet records for the dog and
3. Society permission to keep her dog in the building.

It so happened that she did not have any of these things.

An elderly resident intervened and pacified the situation but not before the younger lady had dished out a substantial amount to the police.
Incidentally, this elderly gentleman had earlier advised the younger lady to meet the above requirements but she had paid no heed to his advise.

The elder gentleman talked with the other lady and found the reason for her "Bitterness".
All that she expected was few words of apology and a sympathy from this young lady.

Warrior Of The Light Perception

"Warrior of the Light values a child's eyes because they are able to look at the world without bitterness. When he wants to find out if the person beside him is worthy of his trust, he tries to see him as a child would."

Warrior of the Light is a book written by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist.

I downloaded this book and started reading it.

The very first few pages gave me the impression that although this book is full of wisdom but it actually depends on how a person interprets these wisdom words.

 Warrior of the Light talks about You looking at the world without bitterness. Bitterness arises from hatred and not out of Emotional Outbursts or even selfishness to a certain extent. A child does not laugh when he is crying and does not cry when he is actually happy and laughing and you can certainly not term these emotional reactions as "Bitterness". As he grows a little, he pretends to cry for selfish wants like some toys or food etc. He can pretend to cry but will very rarely pretend to laugh when he is actually crying. It is still not termed as "Bitterness".

My question is
1: What is bitterness
2 Where does a child learn bitterness from?

Who will you appreciate more?
1. A person who does not pretend and shows his good and bad
emotional out bursts which maybe acceptable to some and not
acceptable to some.
or
2. A person who pretends to be happy but actually bitter from
inside which comes out bursting all of a sudden.

Warrior Of The Light throws some light on these aspects but every one perceives it differently. The underlying difference is "Bitterness", "Pretension" and "Emotions".

I would like to invite people with their views.