Thursday, 6 October 2011

Problem Solving In Relationship

There is no problem in relationships which can not be solved if there is willingness to solve the problem.
Problem solving through healthy communication is a two sided effort.
The first step is to identify the problem and the causes that led to the problem.

Mansi married Ashwin against the advice of her parents.Ashwin did not know this but looking at the actions and reactions of Mansi's father, he could guess it.
Her fathers advice got embedded in her subconscious mind.
Her subconscious mind was looking for security just in case her father is proved right.
She clung on to her parents even more after the marriage.
Mansi and Ashwin stayed together in different cities than their parents because Ashwin had a transferable job.
Both Mansi's parents and Ashwin's mother lived in the same town.
The roots of the problem grew when Mansi refused to stay in Ashwin's mothers house whenever they went on vacations. She always stayed in her parents home.
Now there is nothing wrong with that but Ashwin somehow felt that Mansi's father was feeding Mansi's mind in a way which was not conducive to their good married relationship.
Ashwin spoke to Mansi about it but she did not pay due diligence to this.

Within 7 years of marriage Mansi and her parents convinced Ashwin to give up his secured job of Army Officer in Indian Army (Commissioned Army Officer in Indian Army is a highly prestigious job).
The convincing arguments for leaving army was that
  1. Mansi is a Canadian Citizen by birth. 
  2. Ashwin is unable to earn enough money to provide material comfort and a lifestyle to Mansi. (One of the reason Mansi gave to Ashwin for not staying in her mother's house was that it was not comfortable enough and had old fashioned bathroom).
  3. They can go to Canada and with Mansi's citizenship and qualifications they both will be able to have a much better lifestyle.
Ashwin applied for release from the army at the prime time of promotion selections. It took 6 stressful years of uncertainty and running around before Ashwin could leave Army and that too with no assurance of getting any pension.

Mansi refused to move to Canada at this stage and told Ashwin to go to Canada all alone if he wanted and when he is settled and gets into a position to give a comfortable lifestyle to Mansi, then she will move there.

Ashwin realised that the uncertainity, financial pressures will lead to mental stress. Since he was not a Canadian citizen, he will not stand any chance in establishing himself in Canada all by himself.

He wanted to shift to his own High Income Group flat in Delhi where he could renew his strength to face the new challenges.

Mansi again rejected his proposal to stay in Delhi saying that the flat was not comfortable. She preferred staying with her parents.
Ashwin bowed down to her wishes and agreed to stay with her in her father's house. He always preferred staying together with his family.

Next 8 months was very stressful for him not only because of his own situation but also the humiliation he faced from Mansi's father.

Luckily he got a good job in Mumbai. He joined there and wanted his family to join him. 
Mansi's father again started feeding Mansi that she had a wonderful career to pursue in Jaipur (Mansi had taken up teachers job in a school)  instead of joining her husband in Mumbai.
Mansi stayed back with her parents.
9 months later she lost her mother.
Some more time passed and Mansi's father decided that he should go to his three sons who were all settled in USA and Canada. With Mansi living with him, it will be difficult for him to leave her and go abroad.
At this stage Mansi joined her husband in Mumbai.

For many years he stayed 6 months abroad and 6 months in India, Mansi's father finally understood that he can not stay permanently with any of his sons so he stopped going abroad.
He again needed Mansi's support in his old age. He understood that he will not get support of physical stay with him from any of his sons.
He started ringing up Mansi everyday morning and evening expressing his miseries and loneliness.
This continued for 6 years. In 6 years he hardly rang up his sons.  His sons used to ring him up on certain occasions like New year or birthdays. Their visits to their father was also very short and with long gaps. Some of them did not even stay with him and chose to stay in hotels when visiting him.

Her father's calls made Mansi emotionally unhappy everyday and the unhappiness transmitted to her family also and affected relationships.

Ashwin's growth was hampered and he left his job in Mar 2010.
In May 2010, they married their daughter who shifted to USA to join her husband.

Ashwin and Mansi shifted to their own flat in Mumbai in Aug which was much smaller and less comfortable than the one they were living in.
Mansi suggested that they should go to Jaipur for 20 days, look for a suitable accommodation there and shift there permanently by Mar 2011. They could either sell the Mumbai flat or give it on rent. Ashwin agreed to it.
They went to Jaipur on 16 Nov 2010.
They stayed in Mansi's father's house because he was all alone. Ashwin's younger brother and his wife were staying with his mother.

The decisions to permanently shift to Jaipur kept pending and uncertainties kept increasing. The stay in Jaipur kept extending until in Mar 2011 Mansi declared that she will continue to stay in her father's house because he needs to be looked after.
By this time even Ashwin's mother who was 93, had become bedridden.
There was another thing which started putting stress on Ashwin's mind besides the loss of job and mother's illness. From 01 Jan till the 3rd week of May, Mansi did not visit Ashwin's mother.

Mansi had stopped stepping out of her father's house because at 98 he was losing his short term memory and  became psychic if he did not find Mansi at home.
Mansi started becoming aggressive with her father. Ashwin also started becoming aggressive. With his Indian upbringing, he believed that it was sons responsibilities to take care of their parents. he also believed that 6 years of phone calls to Mansi from her father who always talked about his loneliness and sufferings, had affected Mansi psychologically. Her father had started ringing up his relatives and friends also about his sufferings and many times it was at awkward hours of early mornings. The relatives and friends also started approaching Mansi and telling her that all this is happening because he is living all alone and none of his children felt any responsibility towards him.
Ashwin felt that the peace and harmony of his family was getting affected. There were some serious problems that his son landed himself into.
Emotionally perturbed, Mansi looked for some solace through hypnotherapy. This affected her thinking so much that she started believing in an unreal world instead of facing the real world. She developed misinterpreted beliefs on subjects like detached outlook, break all bonds, past life regression, your past life connections with present world and present relationships, discharging of responsibilities, elevating yourself to meet the next world, renouncing all worldly pleasures etc etc.

Ashwin wanted some solution to this situation and wrote to Mansi's brothers. None of them communicated with Ashwin on this issue.
Mansi's younger brother came to Jaipur in the end of Jul 2011 and within 4 days made Ashwin feel like a parasite living on the mercy of his father.
Ashwin talked about it with Mansi but again she overlooked it and Ashwin left for Mumbai very much agitated on 2 Aug.

Mansi and Ashwin have not communicated with each other ever since then.

Mansi's brother stayed in Jaipur along with his 2 adult children. The children stayed in a hotel instead of in their grandfather's house because it was not comfortable.
Mansi and her brother discussed various problems and what actions should be taken.
The net outcome was that all of a sudden Ashwin received court summons from Mansi which had whole lot of allegations against him such as being alcoholic, in the habit of beating Mansi, torturing Mansi's father, a gambler who lost money in share market, extracting money from Mansi and her father and a threat to their lives. Many of them were true but not to the proportion in which it is projected. Ashwin on the other hand had dramatized some of his actions hoping to get entirely different results.
Mansi did not consult her children before taking this extreme action which is considered the final step of breaking relationship.

Mansi's brothers on the other hand encouraged her to take such actions and suggested her how to make her case very strong against a "Bully".

33 years of relationship has come to an end.

This problem would not have grown to such an extent if
  1. Mansi would have just analyzed the causes of the problem.
  2.  Mansi could have shown some flexibility.
  3. Ashwin would have shown some rigidity instead of total flexibility which was adopted by him reluctantly.
  4. Mansi would have confided and consulted her two mature children because even their life is getting affected.
  5. Mansi would have explored some communication channel open before taking the ultimate action of Court case.
The problem can still be resolved provided both Ashwin and Mansi are looking for a solution.
Healthy communications, willingness, flexibility in thinking and keeping ego in the pocket are the key ingredients in resolving this issue.

1 comment:

  1. Both spouses should be like a good doctor.
    First a good doctor diagnoses the illness.
    Next he finds out what has caused it.
    Then he decides what the cure is.
    Finally he prescribes the medicine or gives the treatment that will make the patient well again.

    Communication helps in diagnosing illness or the problems.
    Further communication helps in finding what caused the problem.
    Your actions towards the right direction to remove the problems works as the prescribed medicine.